


4 am

by RatonLaveur



Category: Chernobyl (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Conversations, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Introspection, M/M, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-06-27 15:09:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19793446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RatonLaveur/pseuds/RatonLaveur
Summary: It was 4 am and he had decided to keep the rope under the bed for one more day.It was 4 am and he gave into his desperate hope once again.It was 4 am and only the sky cried with him.





	4 am

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for not contributing for so long, had a bit of a rough time h  
> anyway, i hope the fandom is still alive and kicking, now please accept this short thingy

The darkness of the rain clouds was disturbed only by the street lights poisoning the natural atmosphere with their industrial beauty.   
Recalling memories is an important part of leaving to many people. But that night, Valery would rather forget everything.   
It was 4 am and he had decided to keep the rope under the bed for one more day.   
It was 4 am and he gave into his desperate hope once again.  
It was 4 am and only the sky cried with him.

***

And maybe all the 'I love yous' were just in my head.   
"What are you thinking about?"  
Valery got startled by the sudden noise, as Boris interrupted his deep dark thoughts. He remained silent for a while, watching the other walk towards him and then lean against the window as well. They watched the outside world together, but it was clear the question was to be answered.  
Valery felt strange about the situation. After all, Boris had been a bit unusually cold towards him the past few days. They went from an emotional relationship to basically none in no time. For no reason.   
"Nothing important." Valery decided to use a soft lie, although he wasn't sure if it even was a lie at all. There really were more important things out there. Things that were on the top of his priority list.   
But he couldn't help but reply their past conversations in his head over and over again. Overthink and analyse everything whenever he got a chance.   
"You're lying."  
Of course. His previous expression must have given it away. Yet he still tried to brush it off. Simply because he didn't want to talk about it; he didn't want answers to his questions.  
He slowly turned to face Boris. He saw his exhausted face and posture. They were both worn out, mentally and physically.   
Suddenly, Valery felt guilty for expecting too much.   
"I'm just tired. Probably thinking too much."   
Boris stared at him, seemingly focused. Valery was able to handle it for a few seconds, then looked away.  
"You've been weird lately. It's like you are sadder every day."  
"Just tired."  
"Talk to me."  
"No."  
"Valery."  
Boris grabbed Valery's arm, firmly yet gently. It was the first physical contact in so long. Only a few days, but it felt like forever. As if only the touch was able to ease Valery's worries a bit. The emotional burden remained, but he felt less alone.  
"What's up with you?" He finally decided to voice his thoughts. "You've been avoiding me. Talking to me only when necessary."  
It was time for Boris to look away.   
"I know. I'm sorry."  
Valery sighed, expecting the conversation to be over. He hypnotised the window, hoping to be left alone for now.  
But Boris wasn't done yet.   
"I know I told you many things. Things, promises, confessions, whatever. And I meant all of them, I swear. But I realised that… That we are playing a game that is too dangerous. It would be better for the both of us to keep a distance. But if I want to do that, I can't be too close to you. For my own selfish reasons. Because I wouldn't be able to handle it."  
His hand was still placed on Valery's shoulder and neither of them seemed to be willing to change it.   
"I understand. You are risking much more than me, after all." Valery's eyes found Boris once again and this time he didn't look away. "It's your decision and I respect it. But I do mean what I said as well. And I'm willing to take a risk, if you are."  
Boris let out an exhausted sigh. "I'm worried I finally found something close enough to true love and I'm letting it go."  
"Such a thing doesn't exist. We are either too young or too old for true love. And there is no between."  
"Maybe you are right. Maybe not. That's the thing. We never truly know anything."  
"And that's what life is about."  
"Not knowing?"  
"Learning."  
And so they stood there, watching the wasteland of death that brought them together and helped them understand each other. Just two helpless creatures, too small compared to the universe. On the verge of death, carrying a burden great as the world itself.  
Later, all the risks and worries of the reality were forgotten. Each other's arms provided a blissful utopia of everything being okay. For the night they could get lost in sweet, unrealistic promises.  
Such is the power of love.

***

It was 4 am again.  
Valery found himself in the darkness of his flat, unable and unwilling to turn on the lights. He was completely lost in his memories for the most of the time. But as he was spending more and more time inside his mind, coming back to reality was getting more painful. Almost unbearable.   
The coldness and loneliness of the world around paralysed him entirely. The memories kept coming back to him on their own, reminding him of both the hurtful situations and the little moments of happiness.   
It was time.   
That night he was finally able to let go of his destructive hope. Everything he needed to do was done. He had nothing more to contribute. Nowhere else to go. No more needs. Just the great pain, inner peace, and love.  
The rope was waiting for him under the bed where he left it.   
And the sky mourned him deeply, as if to replace all the human tears he deserved.

**Author's Note:**

> when i started writing, i had a completely different idea on my mind? but this happened somehow so i guess  
> please consider leaving feedback, it helps me keep writing! <3


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